Dah lama menyepi kat blog ni kan. Alhamdulillah. End of 2020. Izinkan aku berkongsi pengalaman dan apa yg aku rasa selama bertahun-tahun ni. . Pada aku, ke hulu ke hilir nak cari mesin, nak dapatkan data, stay kat lab sampai tengah2 malam, belajar dari siapa2 aku tak kisah. Ke mana2 je aku sanggup pergi. Angkat pc sana sini, ada masa terpaksa bawak anak pegi lab, buat data measurement yg sangat bnyk pd aku, dan analisis semua tu aku sanggup. . Tp benda yg paling sukar ialah kita rasa kita dah fight for it, tp kita still tak dapat2 seperti yg diinginkan, seperti yg dirancang. Bila apa yg kita rancangkan semua messed up. Kita jatuh. Saat nak bangun tu adalah sesuatu yg tidak mudah bagi aku.. Selama bertahun-tahun bergelar pelajar PhD. Berulang kali aku tersungkur. Dua tahun pertama yg mulanya semuanya ok, siapa sangka nak masuk tahun ketiga ujian semakin kuat. Modelling & simulation tak ok, mesin rosak, sample rosak, result tak dapat2 dan tak cantik. It was hard for me to puzzle up everything that I had on that time. Berulang kali tukar scopes, objectives dan methods. Dan masalah lain lagi. Dan sampai satu tahap, aku rasa dah give up. Tak daya dah nak bangun. Aku penat. . ⛈️ Saat yg plg sukar bila aku dah mula rasa muak dengan benda2 ni semua. Saat di mana aku berlawan dgn sesuatu yg org tak nampak. saat jiwa dan yg semakin lemah mengejar impian, memberontak utk 'quit' dan mulakan hidup yg baru. Saat aku mula compare hidup aku dgn hidup kawan2 seperjuangan lain yg dah habis belajar, yg sudah mula naik pangkat, berjaya dlm karier masing2, beli rumah dan beranak pinak. ⛈️Saat di mana semua kata2 nasihat dan motivasi yg pernah aku lontarkan sebelum tu dah tak mampu lagi aku apply pada diri sendiri. Apatah lagi kata2 motivasi dari orang lain. Saat aku merasakan yg semua tak rasa dan tak faham apa yg aku rasa. Saat aku rasa sangat fragile, memandang rendah pada diri sendiri dan segala apa yg aku usahakan. Saat aku rasa apa yg aku buat masa tu, it was a really, really..... totally 'rubbish'.⛈️Aku hampir depress. Merasa kan yg aku ni loser, sampaikan benda yg mungkin senang pun aku rasa susah namati. Dan aku mula mengasingkan diri, mengelak dari berjumpa dgn semua orang kat fakulti ni. Saat aku rasa bersalah yg amat sgt pd semua ahli keluarga yg aku sayang. Saat aku mula buat seluruh keluarga aku risau segalanya tentang aku. Saat aku memikirkan bebanan hutang yg mencecah ratusan ribu ringgit yg bakal aku tanggung kalau aku quit. Saat aku rasa aku dah terperangkap dan dah tak ada jalan utk aku keluar. Allahu. 😔⛈️ I could cried in front of my friends, in a group meeting and even at the public for several times. . I trust that without all of these, my PhD journey would become easier. But it was not. I am sorry that I just can't resist those feelings. Benda yg aku rasa bukan hanya sebulan dua, tapi selama bertahun lamanya. 😔.Kalau org tanya apa aku buat amik phd sampai bertahun-tahun. And.. This is what I've done. Struggling not only on research, but struggling with emotions as well. 🌧️By time, I deferred my study for several times (tangguh pengajian). Setelah beberapa kali jatuh, there was once that took me almost 2 years to get back my strength. Trying to pick up every single pieces of myself. Just follow the flow. Sampai ke hujung saat ada je halangan. Dan saat ni aku hanya bergantung kpd Allah dorongkan aku utk jalan yg terbaik. . 🛣️ Berbekalkan saki baki masa dan semangat yg ada dlm diri dan support org2 yg paling hampir dalam hidup aku...aku cuba utk habiskan sedaya yg mampu. Pada tahun terakhir, awal tahun 2020, aku nekad utk habiskan juga eksperimen, teruskan writing, dan hantar thesis, viva dalam waktu PKP, correction, submit hardbound. Finally, everything happened so fast in 2020. 🛣️ Alhamdulillah, Allah utuskan hidup aku ini penuh dgn org2 yg baik di sekeliling aku. Di saat begini sebenarnya aku tak tahu dari mana punca kekuatan utk aku cuba teruskan. Tapi aku percaya semua ni berlaku adalah dgn izin Allah dan juga doa yg tak pernah putus, sokongan yg tak berbelah bahagi drp insan yg bergelar SUAMI, MAK ABAH, MERTUA, AHLI KELUARGA dan org baik2 di sekeliling aku. .Now I realized the moment of "real struggling, support and motivation" do really exist. Without them I am really nothing. Nothing. .To all my beloved. I am sorry for take time too long, make everybody worried about me. Not to be forgotten, my SUPERVISOR and my CO-SUPERVISORs. Relatives and friends. Thank you for you all and those who always supporting me and did not even give up on me - - - whenever I already gave up on myself...for sooo long. 😔 Terima kasih banyak2 sebab tarik tangan ni supaya diri ni tak terjerumus terus masuk dalam gaung. . My plan to get Got (grad on time) finally became OOT (out of time). At the end of the time, I trust that there is something that Allah wants me to learn, and He knows what is the best for me... Percayalah, thesis dan research aku tak ada apa2 pun pada aku. But after all, people says, the output in PhD is not all about the thesis, but the output is YOU. While people can proud of themselve for finishing PhD within 2,3 years... I think I still can be proud of myself that I survived to finish it, till the end, even after several years..... 🌈 I can say that I was chosen to be one of those people who conducted PhD more than 6 years. People can judge anything. But only people who have the same journey as mine could understand what and how was the feeling. I bet, tak ada siapa pun yg bergelar student yg nak stuck buat PhD sebegini lama. Tp takdir Allah mengatasi segalanya. Kita merancang tp Allah sebaik perancang. . Bukan utk menakut-nakutkan. Tp percaya lah, dalam apa jua yg kita kejar, semua akan sama. Kita pasti akan berhadapan dengan mcm2 dugaan dan cabaran. Dan yg pasti ianya pasti berlainan antara kita. .
Menulis bukan minta dipuji menunjuk, macam kita sorang ada PhD.
Even dalam friend list aku ramai je kawan2 aku yg dah jauh ke hadapan, yg dah berjaya dgn karier masing2 dan penuh dgn pengalaman.
Cuma menulis ni sbg perkongsian utk sama2 beri kekuatan dan harapan kepada yg memerlukan. . So for those who think that you are in really2 difficult times. No matter how hard it is and how dark the moment is, where you feel there is no light and no way out.... Remember, if u want to pursue your dream, just put it away for a while. Know your limit, have some rest, stand up back, walk even for a single small step, and go.... do the right thing.......pray and stay strong. .
By the way, graduated with 8 scopus papers and 1 impact factor journal as the main author, presented papers in 4 conferences, participated in 4 exhibitions, prepared proposal for 4 successfully research grants while studying as fast track student (without master degree), as a wife and mother who did part time as research assistant, with all the miserable things happened was not that bad, right? Like my supervisor said to me, "there were something that you should be proud off."
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Terima kasih pd yg sentiasa mendoakan. Tahun 2020 yg betul2 bermakna dalam hidup aku. Doakan diri ni sentiasa kuat utk hadapi cabaran yg lain pula sebab perjalanan hidup masih lagi jauh.... ❤️
Like my supervisor said to me, "there were something that you should be proud off." 
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